


I Only Want You Gone

by Khaelis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7257406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khaelis/pseuds/Khaelis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tell me what I can do to convince you I want to stay. I need to stay."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Only Want You Gone

‘I am so very cross with you right now, Doctor,’ Rose tried to growl between chattering teeth.  
‘I just happen to have landed the Tardis only one planet away from the one I wanted to show you,’ he shrugged sheepishly all while trying to wrap a warm blanket around her shivering frame. ‘There must have been some kind of issue with the rotor I fixed before we took off.’  
‘There is _always_ a problem with your stupid ship,’ she snorted, steadfastly ignoring the hum of discontent of the Tardis. ‘Next time just make sure we don’t land in bloody marshes instead of a nice field of ice and snow.’

She kicked off her boots and tightened the blanket around her shoulders, but it wasn’t enough to warm her. All of her clothes were soaked and the strands of hair stuck to her cheeks were steadily dripping. The Doctor took her hands to take off the pair of similarly wet gloves and tried to blow some hot air on them, though Rose was far from compliant. She hid her cold fingers under the blanket and threw him a dark look emphasized by the stains of black mascara smeared around her eyes.

‘I’m going to have a nice, long shower and you’d better make sure the water’s hot,’ she warned with a note of irritation sticking to her words.

He simply nodded and ran a hand over his face with a sigh when he was sure she couldn’t hear him. The thing he hated the most in this universe – apart from the Daleks, mind – was to make Rose angry. And ironically, he more often than not managed to do exactly that. Of course, he couldn’t have known that changing a minor screw in that rotor would divert the Tardis so much away from their intended destination. Well, at least they hadn’t landed somewhere dangerous. Apart from the giant alligators. And the flesh-eating plants. He gave himself a mental slap for his inability to do things right and picked the boots that had left a positively large puddle of water on the floor. He headed towards the kitchen and dropped the boots and the gloves into the sink. He pondered for a moment whether or not it would be a good idea to seek for forgiveness right away. It wasn’t the first time he had mucked everything up and Rose had been angry with him but every time she glared at him the way she had, it felt like she’d never be able to forgive him again.

Still, he decided to try his luck and prepared her a large mug of steaming tea. When he pushed the door to her room open with his foot, he heard that the water was still running in the shower. He carefully set the cups on the bedside table and that on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the hem of his jacket. He tried to think of an apology but no words came. Somehow a simple sorry wouldn’t be enough and he knew it.

He straightened to his feet when the sound of water stopped. He padded to the door of the bathroom only to hear a hiss filter through it. He instantly glued his ear to the wooden panel and waited for any other sign that Rose might be in pain.

‘Rose, are you okay in there?’ he asked softly, his hand coming to rest on the handle.

He jumped back a little when the door opened and glanced inside.

‘Of course you’d have to be spying on me,’ Rose smirked at him, all traces of anger gone from her face.

This shower might have calmed her nerves enough, he supposed. It always had amazed him that it seemed impossible for her to remain angry at him for more than ten minutes. She had her right leg propped on the sink and she was pressing a white cloth on her calf.

‘I’ve been bit,’ she informed him, waving the blood-stained fabric at him. ‘By a carnivorous plant. In cold marshes.’  
‘Oh, Rose,’ he said softly, twiddling his thumbs. ‘I’m so sorry. If I had known…’  
‘It’s alright Doctor,’ she smiled. ‘Not the first time something like that happened, and definitely not the last I suppose.’

He smiled back, though weakly, and tentatively reached for her leg. He took out his glasses and perched them on the top of his nose to examine the wound. It didn’t look serious despite the blood dribbling down her leg but it didn’t prevent guilt from gnawing at his insides.

‘Come to the infirmary, I’ll fix that,’ he offered as he rolled a clean cloth around her calf.  
‘No way,’ she shook her head. ‘Enough fixing things for now, I don’t want to end up with one leg by the end of the day.’  
‘Let me at least tend to it. Just disinfect and bandage it. No risk of losing your leg, promise.’  
‘Alright,’ she nodded as he took her arm to lead her to the bed.

She slumped on the mattress while he disappeared to fetch whatever he thought was necessary to take care of her light injury. She spotted the cup of tea and took it gratefully, her hands not having warmed a lot even with the hot water of the shower. He came back and dropped a few bottles of disinfectant and lotion on the bed, and enough bandages to turn her into a mummy.

‘You know they’re just a few bite marks, right?’ she grinned as he kneeled on the bed.  
‘These bites could be poisonous for all I know,’ he answered with a frown, delicately laying her leg on his lap.  
‘Always one to reassure,’ she sighed and rolled her eyes.  
‘You can never be too careful.’

He picked a bottle filled with an odd green liquid and splashed some in his palm. Rose’s hands tightened around her mug when his fingers massaged her calf with care, the cold of the product and the lukewarm feel of his touch making her whole body shiver. This closeness was in no way unusual but the way his fingertips danced on her skin was definitely new. His brow was furrowed in concentration and she found it rather amusing. She guessed the tension in his back was due to some kind of guilt he felt and maybe the additional pain he dreaded to cause her. She reached for his shoulder and pressed her fingers on the tight knot at the base of his neck.

‘Relax,’ she tried to soothe him, though unfruitfully. ‘It doesn’t hurt much. Feels better now, actually.’  
‘Still hurts,’ he simply answered with a shrug. ‘And it’s once again my fault. A wonder you still haven’t asked me to get you back home.’  
‘Hey, forever, remember?’ she smiled.  
‘You never promised,’ he muttered as he picked another lotion.  
‘You never promised me you’d never disappear either,’ she reminded him with a poke on his arm.

When his eyes shied away and his hands lost their steady rhythm over her skin, she moved to grab his wrist with one hand while the other slipped under his chin to make him look at her. It broke her to see the pain and sadness diming his usually shining eyes. She brushed her thumb tenderly on the line of his jaw and felt his fingers tighten almost imperceptibly on her calf.

‘Doctor,’ Rose almost whispered in the deafening silence that had settled. ‘I promise you. Forever.’  
‘How can you mean that when all I seem to be able to do is get you into trouble?’

He almost sounded angry. His stare swarmed with millions of thought she was unable to decipher, but she clearly grasped the feelings that came with them. She gently placed her hands on the side of his face, her thumbs scratching his sideburns.

‘I mean it. I can do with all the trouble you get me into but I am not and never will be able to do without you. The joy I feel travelling through time and space cannot even compare to the joy I feel travelling with you. And if being at your side means getting bit by plants and falling in marshes head first then so be it.’  
‘I’m not worth it,’ he lamented as his shoulders slumped.  
‘Course not,’ Rose smiled affectionately. ‘You’re worth so much more than that. You’re a good man, Doctor. Better than anyone I’ve ever met.’  
‘Good enough to cause this,’ he said as he waved at her injury. ‘Good enough for you to hurt. I’m supposed to keep you safe, Rose. And I fail you, over and over again. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be responsible for any more of your pain. I should… I’ll take you back to London.’

A sharp slap landed on his cheek and it made him jerk backwards on the bed. He gaped at an obviously furious Rose Tyler and he wondered if it was normal for a human to be able to switch from kind and loving to angry this quickly. She grabbed him by the lapels of his jackets and glared at him, his nose just a few inches from hers.

‘I suggest you really think about what you’ve just said, Doctor,’ she threatened under her breath.  
‘I’m taking you back to London,’ he reiterated defiantly. ‘Try and stop me.’

He shoved her away with a bump of his shoulder and fled her room, leaving a positively angry Rose behind. He slammed the door to his bedroom and let out a frustrated growl. He paced the floor and unconsciously massaged his reddened cheek. Had Rose really slapped him? That was a first. He pinched the bridge of his nose when he realized his eyes were moist. The slap had stung, but not enough for him to _cry_. Or had it? Restless, he couldn’t focus enough to make sense of what had just happened. An odd feeling clawed its way in his chest and made the rhythm of both his hearts stutter. More tears fell from his eyes and he furiously rubbed them. His guts twisted and a ball grew in his throat. The feeling was unnerving. Unusual and unexpected.

‘Oi, would you keep quiet?’ he shouted at the Tardis, which was humming louder than usual.

His voice came out broken and high-pitched, and he clasped his hands over his mouth in surprise when a sob escaped his lips. That wasn’t right. He never _sobbed_. He leaned over his desk on both hands and tried to control all these weird feelings that made his limbs shiver. It usually was easy to shut off unwanted emotions but this time, the more he tried, the stronger these emotions grew. Hair rose on his forearms when he felt her touch on his skin. A smile teased the corners of his mouth when he heard her laugh. More tears dripped from his eyes when he saw her walk away from him.

It was the perspective of her leaving his life that made him feel that way, he realized. He shouldn’t feel this way. It wasn’t the first time he’d leave a companion behind. He was used to hurting when these friends disappeared altogether from the frame of his timeline but it always got better in the end. Rose was different. It wouldn’t get any better, it would just get worse and worse until he’d end up a little messy heap of nothing. She was his unwavering support, the only constant in his life he ever needed.

But he couldn’t keep her. Couldn’t keep risking her life for his own benefits. Every sun had to set at some point, every flower had to wither, just like Rose had to die. He knew that. He simply refused to be the cause of it.

He stormed out of his bedroom to the console room before he could change his mind. Anger driving his every move, he jolted levers and abused the buttons to set course to 21st century Earth. The engines groaned, as if disagreeing with his decision, and the whole ship shook under his rough treatment of the commands. He breathed heavily as he tried to find some comfort in the sensation of flying through the vortex and closed his eyes forcefully. His fingers tightened on the console when the Tardis invaded his mind with a reproachful screech and he drew a sharp breath in when pain seethed inside his head.

‘Just shut it!’ he cried out, punching the console with his fists.

Not only did the pain not subside, it grew worse. Searing. He clenched his aching skull with both hands as renewed tears sprung from his eyes. His vision blurred and before he could even realize it, he fell on his knees, the floor buzzing under him. He didn’t know how long he remained there, hurting and crying. He had never felt more miserable and pitiful in his whole life. Just because of a stupid pink and yellow human. A human that had grown to be the most important being in the whole universe. A human he couldn’t live without.

He froze. In a fraction of second, his whole body froze in place. He stopped breathing, stopped thinking, stopped crying. Then he felt a pair of warm and soft arms wrap around him from behind. A hot body pressed into his back and a weight settled on his shoulder.

‘Please, Doctor,’ her soft voice whispered in his ear. ‘Tell me what I can do to convince you I want to stay. I _need_ to stay.’

The warm breath caressing his skin like a feather made him shiver to his core and blew the pain away. Her fingers entwined with his and she brought his knuckles to her lips. He leaned into the touch and released a shaky breath, a fury of emotions exploding in his chest. He couldn’t make out what he was feeling but it was overwhelming. His shoulders shook forcefully and Rose felt heavy tears drop on her hands. He remained silent but his whole body was screaming. Never had Rose seen him like this. So fragile, so lost. Her nose brushed his hair as she started to rock him in her arms, gentle and slow.

‘It’s okay to let go,’ she breathed, her own voice wavering.

Her heart shattered when he turned in her arms and buried his face in the crook of her neck. She had just had enough time to see his eyes and it was a sight she would never forget. How could such beautiful eyes transpire so much distress and pain? She pressed a kiss to the top of his head and ran her fingers lightly on his back, fighting her own sobs that threatened to fall from her lips. He clung to her tank top like it was his one and only lifeline and breathed in the scent of her neck as if this would be the very last occasion he had to learn how she smelled. It _was_ the very last occasion, he remembered through the haze of thoughts clouding his brain.

Oh, how he wished he could stay like this forever. But the feel of her skin against his, the way her hot breath brushed against his hair, how her human heat enveloped him like a comfortable blanket… It was all too real to ignore. Four minutes and thirty-six seconds. Long enough to enjoy basking in the feel of her arms around his waist and the feel of her blond locks against his neck. Not long enough to give in the temptation and lean into her body, melt into it and never be able to live without it again.

He drew back reluctantly and he stared into her soul with red, puffy eyes that he wanted more eloquent than his words could ever be. There was so many things he wished she’d understand. Rose Tyler, the only being he had ever cared so much about.

‘Please, Doctor,’ she begged softly when he tried to get back on his feet.

She clenched her fingers around the sleeves of his jacket before he could. He kept his mouth closed and kept looking above her shoulder, unable to bear the sight of her honey eyes and the sound of his own voice. The bitter taste of disgust tinged his tongue. Long gone was the time when he had liked himself for the kind of man he had turned into throughout the centuries. What he was about to do almost made him dry-heave. But it was the right thing to do. Keeping her safe was all that mattered to him.

‘I know you think you’re saving me,’ she cried, and he winced at the pain that filtered through her words. ‘But you’re not. I’d rather die feeling alive by your side than living but feeling dead inside.’  
‘I just want you safe,’ he whispered.  
‘Can’t you see that the safest place for me is being with you?’

He finally met her eyes and he released a shaky breath when he realized how sincere she was being. He didn’t know how to feel anymore. One heart lit like a bonfire as he thought about all that was left to live with his beautiful Rose and all the time they could spend together. The other clenched painfully as he thought about the many ways death could find her if she stayed here with him.

‘Stop thinking so much,’ she smiled through her tears. ‘Your brain is going to fry and I’m not sure that’s quite _safe_.’

He had to let a shy laugh escape at the way she emphasized the word. Rose Tyler, wonderful and beautiful Rose Tyler. If this wasn’t redemption incarnated for all the wrongs he had done in his previous lives, he didn’t know what it was.

‘I don’t deserve you, Rose Tyler,’ he said in a breath, leaning his forehead against hers.

She brought a hand to his cheek and ran her thumb over his cheek to erase any trace of tears that still coated his cheek. Their breaths fused in their closeness and their hearts pounded against their chest. Their lips brushed lightly and it suddenly felt like nothing would ever need to be fixed again. Everything would be alright.

‘Forever, right?’


End file.
